Eric’s European Elimination Edventure

Don’t you think that, with all of the incredible miniaturization and high-tech evolution our consumer products have seen recently that the bulky, injury prone excrement receptacle would have been replaced by something better?

The toilet is ugly and uninviting, It seems stuck in the past.  I want a vaccuum-like device to snag my poo and then clean my yahoo.  But Europe has beaten us to this type of innovation.

 The pblic facilities in many countries on that stupendous continent are lit on the inside with blue bulbs.  Upon entering for my first deuce (number 2) in a European WATER CLOSET (?), I was tokd by the man who was employed by the elimination franchise that it makes it impossible for junkies to shoot up because they can’t find their veins in the blue light – AWESOME – That’s what I’m talking about AMERICA!  Elimination Evolution.  Here they really WATCH your performance and ofer you goodies during and immediately after your donation.  The THEY ask for a donation.  They prefer currency though.  Very confusing.

 Here’s the cooly cool part.  The stalls.  You go in and there is no toilet.  Nope.  Just a cube that looks (in the blue light) like the dressing room in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory with a hole on the floor.  The cubicle is sealed shut to prevent any strange exit routes (as in underneath the divider and into the next stall).  I finally got the gist (or so I thought)  and squatted like my fan Squanto and dropped off my African children from my anal caravan near, and sometimes in, the hole.  It was crazy, but the craziest thing was when I heard a beep and the door locked.  Panic ensued and I re panted my bottom and began pulling at the door.  I couldn’t get out.  Then, as if the holding cell I was in became one big shower, water began to fire at me from all angles.  I was getting drenched with a mystery fluid bathed in blue light in a country where I couldn’t understand ANY of the now frantic yelling at me after I had just shit on the floor.  What was the fluid?  It certainly was no Evian…  It smelled like pool water and a girl fart.

The soaking ceased, my doody disappeared, and the door disengaged its lock.  I emerged to a hysterical group of friends and natives as I was soaked in girl fart liquid.  I felt the desire to shoot some heroin but I knew that it would be impossible.  I mulled over the irony of this for a moment then, exasperated, left the facility without paying the toilet caddy.   My only saving grace was that it was raining that day and I blamed my wetness on the weather.  The smell, well, I just told everyone who asked that I was into kinky sex.  Looking back now, as I write this, that wasn’t that funny.  I had thought it was.  I guess that’s why I kept getting such venomous looks from those who I hit with my witty one-liner.

The event was a disaster, but it inevitably compelled me to ask locals about this mechanism.  The skinny is that The stalls lock after a certain amount of time and essentially behave like a car wash for 30 seconds or so to sanitize the area and redirect any misplaced feces.  GENIUS!  Now THAT’S WHAT I MEAN!  Elimination evolution at its finest.  Here in America we’re still dancing behind closed doors trying to trigger, or to NOT trigger the laser device that flushed the bowl automatically.  We have to catch up to those Europeans (You’re a-peein’).  Despite hosing me down with non-potable water and shearing a few yeatrs off of my life, they taught me a lesson:  The toilet CAN improve!  There is a future for Elimination Evolution!

Names of the cities have been withheld because I forgot where I was when this happened. 


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