Steroids – Breakfast Of Champions

So what?  Some of the best players in baseball took HGH.  I am clear on the fact that I morally reprehensible in many ways, so as I opine here it may be of rotten mind.  I just don’t see why everyone cares so much.  Don’t you dare toss that “integrity of the game” crap at me as a reason.  “Integrity” went out the window when players began getting paid more than the GDP of Malaysia to chew tobacco and fondle their plastic genital goalies.  We have a wonderful poverty problem – No, EPIDEMIC in this country.  All while Closing pitchers can make over $10 million a season for throwing 10 pitches per outing (NOT EVEN EVERY GAME!)  “Integrity” was lost about the same time the “American” pastime got busted by karma for having the cheddar to call its championship games the “WORLD Series”.  A classic American maneuver of eating cake and having it as well.  I don’t recall much “Worldly” representation in the eponymous series.  Our penance – baseball is now the LATIN American Pastime.  Japan coming up strongly from the rear to further, ironically, make the American Pastime a truly Worldwide phenomenon.

Digression over.  Steroids.  In football they could cause a man to kill another.  Same goes in hockey.  Not so much in poker, golf, equestrian, and baseball.  My main problem with the massive overreaction to this “scandal” is that the offended can’t seem to settle on what it is that they’re offended about.  This is usually a clear sign of a weak platform or an ill-at-ease soapbox.  Bad example for the kids, unfair competitive advantage (super bull poop), breaking the law (more poop), health issues, blah, blah, buhlahh.  I am all for steroids.  Strictly for its comedy.  I love the idea of Roger Clemens hunching over a bent-over Andy Pettite with a syringe full of blood candy and then plunging it bang on into the buttock.  I am smiling right now.  It’s funny.

I like a good competitive game with superhuman feats galore.  Hence, I love steroids.  It’s an evolution of the game.  It’s like NASCAR found a new hyper fuel that will propel cars into orbit.  The downside is, more crashes.  DOWNSIDE??  Isn’t that what we watch NASCAR for?  Thus, I think that we should entertain these freakishly competitive and overpaid athletes. Let then hunch and puncture each other.  Geez, baseball would be so boring without it.  Think of all of the major events that held us rapt during the past few seasons.  All of them involved superhuman feats most likely fueled by steroids.  So I give kudis to the discovery of this new fuel for our coddled athletes in a mundane sport.  Now it is more exciting.  All thanks to steroids.

…and if this new fuel causes some more fatal crashes, all the better.


steroids in baseball


Fat People Shouldn’t Be Cops

How do they let this happen?

Thank you for the friendly emails.  I think that I agree with those who say that baseball should be more of a viscous sport.  So what if your arm hurts?  Fire the ball from a gun and save the arms.  Rev it up to 150 mph and give the batters tennis rackets.  What’s up with that word?  Raquet?  Rakkket?  Racquet? Fuck guys in suits…  I owe it to the female football reporters to say Double u Teee Efff.  Que The Fucqe?

How do you OWN a baseball team?  Imagine that.  If you happen to own a team, please write and we’ll do an interview on NE.  NE mean Naked Eric by the way, Chris.   I took the Metamucil and no it wasn’t funny.  Or funnie.  You’re a dique!

WOW the Red Sox just won the Al Pennant!  Quick, whip out your cell phone and unplug yourself from living the moment!  What is wrong with these people?  Snap a picture, send a text message, Crackberry a message to someone.  Doesn’t anyone fucking REMEMBER anything anymore?  By the way, take a walk.  Leave the phone at home.  Take a walk.  Remember the sky?  When was the last time you really looked at it an admired the clouds?  A storm?  I mean it.  I bet a lot of these future tumor-ridden cell phone addicts truly don’t gaze at the sky, a tree, fresh snow on a lawn.  I bet they have some important calls to make.  Geez, how did humans ever exist for so long without giving our elementary school children radioactive phones “just in case”.  Yeah, just in case my ass ends up your uncle.  Man, I’m telling you, fat people shouldn’t be cops.

I love toast and tits,